My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
