hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
