i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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