good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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