If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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