i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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