I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
