I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
