last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
