i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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