My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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