i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
