Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
