Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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