Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
