She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
