so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize