I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
