My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
