So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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