i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Will exercising make me less horny?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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