Umm I'm too high to move.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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