can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
