I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
