Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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