She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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