A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
