I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
