who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
