A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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