Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
