So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
