I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
