see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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