the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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