he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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