Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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