Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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