he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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