One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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