well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i will never coherently bang her
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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