I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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