why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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