You're my little dorito
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
