Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
