So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
