Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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