Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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