you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
