dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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