Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
