The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
