TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
high people should be assigned attendants
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
