Cold hands, warm shart.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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