he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
