K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
