y did u give ur computer a hand job?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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