Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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