dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
