she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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