Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
