I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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