So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
