Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
